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Knowing what triggered that final drinking bout had to be part of the answer to my problem.

 

We were abroad, enjoying the start of our second holiday of the winter, and things were good, or so I thought. Janet fell ill and I fell apart. We came home a week into a six week holiday and Janet was admitted to hospital within the hour. The situation had brought up all sorts of buried nightmare memories whilst I drank myself unconscious blotting them out.

 

I was still denying my problem when I was made to realise that I was on the point of losing everything. I’m still unsure of actual events I have a history of depression, which played a big role in my mental status, I was in a fog of confusion, not knowing fact from fiction, truth from lies (there were plenty of those) or right from wrong. Janet had begged and pleaded with me to find help and it eventually sunk in – I’d be dead if I didn’t.

 

ADS appointed Jenny as my key worker and she soon made me realise that there was a lot more to it than just ‘cutting down’, ‘sobering up’, ‘being in control’. Most importantly, I had to want to stop. I had to get psychiatric help to sort out my depression and find suitable medication without booze (I had been taking pills for years that had no chance of working for me because of drink!). I had to question every thought that went through my mind.

 

For a period, things seemed to improve, going along with all Jenny’s good advice, attending groups and relax sessions, occupying myself at home by making a pond, laying a path and gardening in the sun, or doing crosswords and Su Doku when wet. Then, seemingly out of the blue, with a rucksack full of vodka and a one way train ticket, I headed for the hills in the heat wave.

 

You can imagine what that did for Janet. I didn’t. My emotions along with thoughts of anyone other than myself had been crushed and suppressed by years of heavy drinking and bad thinking. I had planned to top myself, full of vodka, and go out on a big high. I don’t even explore why that didn’t happen, I just accept it and move on. Lots of deep discussions with Jenny led me to think “OK, it’s a set back, not the end, not failure, just a blip that can be left behind”. That is the moment I knew that I would succeed, free from alcohol, me in control of my own future and destiny, no longer hiding from duties and responsibilities. There was still a lot more work to be done.

 

I was under the care of the crisis team (a mobile psychiatric unit) and a psychiatrist for home visits and sessions with a CPN at my GP’s surgery. Although still in a fog and confused on occasion, with Jenny’s help I was making slow but steady progress. That spurred me on, greedy to learn more and new ways to beat the drink. My head was starting to clear enough now to see the damage I’d done to my partner, both physical (I don’t mean I beat her) and mental, that apologies alone wouldn’t put right. I desperately needed to regain her trust and her love to show some love, respect and emotions for her. The way forward gradually dawned on me:-

 

Honesty, with myself and everyone. 2. Punctuality, turn up for all appointments and meetings. 3. Talk openly and honestly about my problems. 4. Learn as much as possible from courses like anxiety management, depression management, relapse prevention, better living, etc. 5. Question and change all my old habits. 6. Question and change all thoughts and thinking patterns. 7. Take a little more care in appearance. 8. Be a little more open minded, more tolerant of others. 9. Do some sort of physical activity, walk, swim, etc. 10. Take care of loved ones. 11. Plan a short term and mid term future. 12. Keep active and occupied. This list isn’t definite, I’m sure more could be added if I thought hard and nothing is in any order of priority. It was just to give me a little structure to my life.

 

By now, I had a full diary without being over committed. I had taken on a course on basic computer skills at ADS and Jenny had introduced me to Reiki, the Japanese art of natural healing with Universal Energy. (From the very first time I received Reiki I knew that I would be doing a course on it, when the time was right). So Janet and I planned our first short break, a coach trip with a couple of night’s stopover in Coventry. Up to then, I’d no confidence in myself (to abstain). We enjoyed it and everything was great, especially with Janet starting to trust me again and me being able to show her love, at last! Christmas came and was no harder or easier than I expected, I coped without problems and seemed to gain in confidence from it.

 

2007 came in as expected and I was quite amused to have a clear head on January 1^st and content to know that I would have a clear head every year.

 

The year started much the same as the old one had left. I was beginning to notice changes in me, in fact, people were noticing changes! I was thinking just a bit clearer, a bit more positive, caring about Janet, about myself, around the world. I was feeling healthier (I’d stopped smoking in November), fitter (taken up swimming again and more walking) but I wasn’t smug, I wasn’t complacent. I wasn’t there yet.

 

There were still times when I thought about drink, not ‘Just the one’ – more the ‘nostalgia’ type, Champagne to wet the baby’s head, the pint of bitter shandy after a hot day at work, the large glass of red wine at sunset on holiday abroad. Then I would remember that I carried on drinking till rat arsed and came back down to earth. It wasn’t that I craved drink now, far from it, I loathed it, hated it, couldn’t stand the smell of it on peoples’ breath at nine in the morning, hated to see kids with cans, slight pangs of guilt negotiating street drunks, that sort of thing. I don’t drink, that’s what matters but I pray others are more sensible about booze than I was.

Now winter was over (I suffer from SAD as well as depression) I started feeling good, some of my pals at ADS had already moved on to do useful and positive things, mainly volunteer and education courses, others, like me, were still thinking about it. Although abstinent, I felt that I needed a bit more ‘ammo’ to face the big wide world sober. Jenny enrolled me on the anxiety management course, I had just finished a ten-week ‘live well – live better’ course, paid for by the council for the long-term sick wanting to improve their lifestyle.

 

I had tried to arrange to study Reiki early in the New Year but things just came to dead ends or got blocked, so I realised that I wasn’t ready yet. Janet and I finally took the first degree, together just a few weeks ago and since then I’ve felt so much calmer, more in control, assured and positive about myself, my partner, my life, my future, that I know now I’m ready to contribute to society as a sober, fairly intelligent, fairly caring and reliable bloke who can be happy and content without the need for drink.

 

It hasn’t been easy by any means. I know for certain that I would have failed without help. I suppose giving up booze is all about being selfish for all the right reasons. It took a while for me to see the pain, suffering and hurt I’ve caused. That maybe I can help to heal in time, and mend some of the pain. I’ll always be thankful that my partner, Janet, stuck with me throughout all the turmoil, and Jenny was there for the both of us, and ADS, with all its resources as a solid focal point for me during the tough times, when I struggled with it all.